I was digging through that same journal, and only found an entry regarding my place in life. I feel like my diagnosis will win in the very end, but I know that I am strong enough to fight that feeling off. I worry about the career choice that I have made, and how I can eventually switch to something that I really enjoy doing. It’s difficult when all you know is the retail business. I have self taught myself things, but you need a degree, or some form of experience with it.
I have thought about just packing up all of my stuff, and hitting the road, to North Carolina, or stay closer to home and stay in Bucks County, with my aunt & uncle. I just really don’t feel there is much here for me. Everything is a dead end road. Speaking of roads, I had a thought to drive for Uber, but I am night blind. Plus, I am afraid to deal with strangers, based on my anxiety. I can only imagine getting caught up with the wrong person. Also, if I decided to go down south, I would be forced to sleep in my car, to do Uber.
My friend, whom is letting me use his server, told me about a website that hires writers. I think that is a great idea, but it is something that I would hold off on. Since I am writing on my own blog, I want to become my own boss, so to speak. I want to control when my blogs get posted, how many I write per day, and all that fun stuff. I am no professional, but I try my best to write in a fashion that others can enjoy. This as quickly become my therapy, so to speak.
I have a lot to think about. I really am thinking about seeking a transfer to another store, or quitting, which would be a BPD impulsive behavior. I am just tired of being talked down to, and not being taken seriously. I want to do something I enjoy, so I don’t feel so miserable in this life. During my episodes, I feel like I literally have nobody to talk to, without feeling like I’m bothering them. I want to become successful or known for something! Even if it’s for this blog, which would be fantastic.
I do not want my mental health issues to win. I need to keep the thoughts and feelings far away. I need a bigger support system. I need to use resources that I have provided, as it would help me. I need an outsiders perspective. I also need to actually put my plans into action……