Void

I haven’t really felt too well lately, in the realm of mental health. What else is new, right? The stresses of work have hit a point where I can only walk around in a complete blank state.With the lovely thoughts of having another meeting, which will result in nothing, are a joy to even think about. It is almost funny to me, where I actually am laughing. It really is no laughing matter, but I just don’t know how else to even take this information in.

I think for the first time in nearly two years, I showed my therapist how I really felt. We will usually skate around the issue and she will distract me from the current problem. Obviously I know why she does it, but this time I was not having it. The issues that are going on are just overwhelming and will come out. She got a sample of how exactly I feel about work.

I become extremely vocal when I feel strongly about how I feel and want my voice heard. It was enough to get my therapist to start taking some notes, which she does, but it was enough for her to pull out the laptop and immediately start taking note. With me, I get really angry before I completely shut down and get into a depressive state. I can cycle back to a “normal” state, which I guess is the benefit of having BPD?

I don’t know how to get out of my current position, even though my therapist as seen me overcome some challenges before. It is just so difficult to step away from something so comfortable, as odd as that sounds. I know that I cannot escape MYSELF, so that’s another scary thought. I do not want to “work on myself” while still at this job, solely because I need the insurance. Since insurance does play a big factor with me, as I need my meds, therapy and doctor visits. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do…….

By no means is this “bashing work”.

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

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