Uncertainty

It was not a great day at work, as I figured. I just can’t help but to throw a massive pity party right now. As I posted on my Facebook: no job should make you feel so disheartened. I don’t have the words to express how deeply I feel, but I sure can physically show it. Don’t worry, I am not talking about any form of self harm. I’m visually upset with everything that pertains to the work environment.

I do not understand why a department manager feels it to be necessary to make everybody know how much I may or may not have messed up. She had a discussion about some issues but there were contradicts to it, from the past. She did it in a way that was so blatantly wrong, by raising her voice and talking so fast about it.

It triggers me to feel completely inadequate and leads me to everything that is wrong with me. I get so deep into my thoughts that it literally feels like I am drowning. There is no other word to describe it then just that. Sure, the rage part kicks in and I can get so angry that I can’t settle my nerves. It’s the fact that I have repeated told management what I need and they do not deliver.

I am trying my hardest to do what is asked of me, so it should be the same on their end too. The last time, and several other times, I would get to a really bad state and have to take a leave of absence. That is something I really do not want to do, as I don’t think I will come back this time around. When I go out, I have to step UP to a higher level of care, get reevaluated, check my meds, do blood work, think about inpatient. It literally makes my head spin. I know work is a major issue to this, and I am my own worst enemy too.

At this moment, I just feel like I am in this tailspin and I need somebody to catch me. I feel so worn out and discouraged, and it effects everything else around me…..

Photo by Zen Photographer on Unsplash

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