Throwing Caution To The Wind.

I was going to make a post about the mood swings associated with Borderline Personality Disorder, but it seems that I already did. That’s always a great thing, when your mind is on the same page. So I will just ramble on about the lovely messed up day that I had, in the lovely retail soul sucking business.

I keep having these terrible mood swings, and it’s all due to the circumstances that are happening now. It doesn’t even matter what one of the issues are, because it’s a “personal” issue. So my emotions get completely invalidated, as always! The other issue is trying to make more money. It really seems that not a damn person cares about anything I have to offer.

I did make the joke to quit, a few days ago, but today, those feelings were really fueled by a lot of rage and frustration. I was trying to figure out a way to get transferred to a different store, that would be out of the city, and closer to my aunt’s house, Obviously, I would have to talk this out, as I would only stay there until I can get on my feet. Anyways, I asked how I would go about making this change, and I was told to go through HR than management then corporate then whoever else.

So I decided to talk to HR, who really didn’t help out, because they aren’t technically part of management. I explained that I need more money, which I stated to the store manager. I said I wanted to goto the Bensalem store. I explained that I have plenty experience in my department and another department that deals with computers and all. Then came the issue of how my condition was being used against me at my current store, so they can’t move me anywhere else. I was told by HR that she’ll run it by the manager, and to not let my condition hold me back, or something that triggered a response out of me.

I went into a complete dark spot, where I couldn’t even function at all. My whole mind shut down, and I had to take a break before the tears started to flow like a river. It’s not my fault for this condition! I cannot predict how I will react, or what emotion will rush over me, so how dare such a comment!

I get that it wasn’t meant to be a comment of disrespect but I was in a bad mood after that, for a few hours. That was until, a shift in my mood happened, thanks to my department manager. Apparently I was coming in the office every 10 minutes, which was a bullshit lie! She’s all “just do everything at once, then come in here and do what needs to be done.” Uhh, that’s exactly what I was doing, genius. Sorry, but that woman talks down to people, and she talks to me in a way that not even my own mother talks to me. But, you know, management doesn’t care about that either, because I brought that up several times.

Just with the comment of not being in control of how I’ll react: my BPD can easily make me snap on her, and really give her a piece of my mind. I tried to track down the HR because we were not done talking at all. In my mind, I was going to tell her that she’s got one month to get me out of this store, or I will flat-out quit. It doesn’t matter if I even quit, because when I went on disability, no managers, including mine, cared at all. No calls, no texts, no “do you need anything?” I think a handful of coworkers reached out to me, which I can count on a single hand!

Not one management personal knows how to deal with my condition at all. You would think they should have classes on it, but no no no. So whose going to really get in trouble when I snap again? ME! Then I will have to go out on disability again, think about inpatient or join group therapy. Then be put on more “happy pills” to totally numb my feelings. Yet, it doesn’t seem like any medication can cool down the fire inside.

There is no respect for me in that store. I am seen as a complete joke or something. Somebody who overreacts to situations, when I am being the victim. Like, if I don’t come in the office all day, I’m asked what I’m doing. When I am in the office, I am not doing my job. When I have a legitimate problem, nobody takes the time to hear it out.

I have stuck around this toxic environment for way too long, and my patience is very low. This isn’t the first time I wanted to walk out. There’s some serious thinking that I need to do, for my own health and safety. The ideations come in waves, and I want to just feel safe and secure.

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