I’m having a really tough day today. It has been filled with just pure sadness and some BPD rage outbursts. This whole centralized around my work day, but I’m sure it will carry into the night. It started out by a coworker coming in and getting more hours then me. I have more seniority over this person, so of course that will make anybody upset.
The better part of the day was filled with a lot of anger and resentment. You see, work is a HUGE trigger of mine, which I cannot escape. Why? Because of the level of comfort that it brings to me. I am all about having a routine in my life, and sometimes parts of the routine are not really good at all. I could go on about my routine behaviors, as they are a controlling factor in my life. But back to the story, right?
Anger and sadness play hand in hand when it comes to work. I feel like I am stuck in a dead end road. I could easily back out of this road, and go on my fourth term of short tern disability. But that will only cause me some financial issues, which I already am dealing with. I have also been giving the nudges to actually apply for disability, as I have a team of doctors that could help that process out. I wish that could be funny, but I have my regular therapist,old group therapist (went to group therapy three times), my primary doctor and my psychiatrist.
I’m mentioning all of these facts, so y’all can understand where I’m heading with this post, which is this: After feeling so down and out, after the anger finally stopped, I went to my director and asked how I can get more money / find something else to do in the store. Well, with my known history, he stated that it would be really difficult to place me anywhere else within the store. Oh, I work at a supermarket, and work in the pricing office. I have been in the same department for over 10 years now, and my wheels are spinning.
Before knowing of my diagnosis, I went off the rails, three times. It was a brutal crying and anger issue, nearly every time. Once, I went completely off and was cursing up a storm in the backroom, and decided it would be a grand idea to throw some pallets around. Yup, I almost got hospitalized for that, but luckily my mother was able to make a contract for safe, on my behalf, and the manager at the time, drove me home. Besides all of that, I do have self harm issues. This was the major discussion between me and the manager, today.
He made it very clear that I am capable to actually do things, but then again, I’m not…… Y’all know that the BPD monster loves to come out and play whenever it feels like it. Let’s name it (a female demon) “Angrboda: The bringer of sorrow, a demonic female Giant of the Edda, that conceived with Loki the Midgard-snake, Hel and Fenris, the wolf.” Angrboda likes to make me harm myself when I get really angry, which in turn, brings the sorrow. But I was feeling really sad when I was discussing any possible way to make more money, or switch to a department that can benefit me. It can be quite boring in my current department, but that is because of ME. I don’t know if it’s the ASD part of my DX, or that I feel like I am wasting my damn talents.
So now, thanks to the whole company knowing of everything going on with me, I am forever stuck where I’m at. Other departments, I would probably need a box cutter. I know that I can be completely fine with this situation, but I guess not, as well. Once I start getting frustrated and angry, I will look for ways to vent my emotions out. I just felt so defeated after I talked to him, because there’s no resolution to this problem, which is me. I am my own worst enemy.
I left work feeling the full effects of Angrboda. Driving home, I was choking back the tears, as I was listening to songs that fueled the fire. I don’t feel like I have a purpose. It makes me feel at rock bottom. I will use this word, which I hope nobody panics about: suicidal. There is a difference between feeling that way, and actually having a plan to carry out. I actually watched a video that explained it.
I am safe and I took a nap when I got home, which made me feel a little better. My emotions transformed into some of the dreams that I had within the hour nap that I had. Anger, fear, sadness, lost, scared. Writing on this blog is helpful, especially with the engagement that I have been getting. I can contract for safety with everybody. I know my IFTTT service will trigger this post, even if I turn it off, so my personal Facebook friends see it. But that’s the point of this blog, right? To express myself and not feel judged by anybody. Watching that video will let people know that feeling suicidal does not mean I want to end it all. In fact, I have never made an attempt *knocks on wood* .
I wish all of you a great day, and hope it’s better then mine is. I think I will write some more, later. I also have to finish up putting my social media links on my page. Thank you all for reading.