Let’s take a stroll down the cycles of emotion that happen on a daily basis. We will backtrack throughout the day. It is now 3:54pm and the waves of sadness are intense. I’m trying to listen to music that would usually shift my mood, but it’s not helping. I am on the verge of tears. I keep myself tucked inside my room, so that nobody can figure out what’s going on. I don’t like where I am in my life, and I am trying so desperately to fix it.
I search online for houses that I could possibility rent, or even a room. Yet, I would have to give up the safety of my space, to start all over again. The thought of starting life all over again, is mentally exhausting to me. It’s not like I really want to quit my job, but where is it leading me? I do not want to just work to pay bills, nor work to be careless, either. I want to be stable, get the things that I would need in life, and be happy. Happy, an emotion that literally comes and goes within a blink of an eye.
I guess we can go back to my overnight shift, which was at 11pm last night. I didn’t feel well at all. There were so many thoughts that were keeping me distracted, yet not. See, I can disassociate, and run on auto pilot. The main thoughts were of how to get out of my current situation, and then another issue that really bothers me to this day. Quite amazing how words can really affect somebody, and they have no idea of the damage it causes.
I was thinking about something to do with family, and I just can’t get the phrase “you need to get a life” out of my head. It was posted publicly on a Facebook post, that had absolutely nothing to do with this person. Then I get blocked by this individual. So it was awesome that I was called out for having no life, but how about I tell how you would “jokingly” tell me to drink, before this ordeal. Every time I was over, I said NO, and kept getting pushed to have a drink.
This is where the BPD rage comes into play, and the suicidal thoughts too. It is sickening that somebody would force alcohol onto somebody, even if it was a joke. No means no, and I every time I came over, I dealt with it. To this day, I have not gotten any type of apology for this comment, that all of my family and friends saw. So every family event will now be extremely awkward, and I will not accept an apology, solely based on the “get a life” statement.
That put me in the suicidal mood, for a few hours. Please understand that BEING suicidal and having suicidal thoughts are different. If I say I’m gonna act upon them, then there shall be an intervention. I also don’t know if I will post this to my Facebook accounts, because it will cause issues, even though I am the victim here. Like, it’s known that I struggle, so why on Earth would a comment like that, even be said in the first place? I stewed in my emotions and gave power to them, for hours upon hours!
When I got home, I took my nap and woke up in a fairly decent mood. I was searching for jobs and trailer parks. I was researching topics to post about on my blog. It is now 5:05pm and I did a lot of delaying. I was trying to look for the exact screen shot that I took, I was talking with mom about the football game and I was just being very ADD , if that makes sense.
I was distracting myself so I didn’t feel the full rage of what was going on, earlier. I actually started playing some dubstep, and it is keeping my mood in a neutral position. I know that I say I’ll text the crisis line, if I ever get bad, but I never do. Maybe I will try to do so later, when I am in this type of mood. I am very logical and can probably think more clearly, when I explain my situation.
To end this venting, there is some mixed emotions within the family, that bring up certain emotions within me. How there can be a lot of “Oh, I care about you”, but I know better to trust it. Sorry, BPD trust issues are still the same with family. People say you only get one family, but that does not mean they are perfect, and act the way we want. I am sure I do not do things that are expected of me, and that is a whole other topic. I know my mistakes and my faults. I am sorry for a lot of things. Yet, when I get into the anger phase, I can give a damn! I don’t wish this disorder on anybody, which is why I would love a bigger support group.