Yesterday, I was feeling fantastic about a lot of things that were going to happen within my life. Mainly being, the writing on these blog sites. I’m still absolutely thrilled about that, don’t get me wrong. But today, there is this shift in my energy, and I really can’t explain why I am feeling the way I do. I was off today, thankfully, so I slept in. That’s always a great thing , regardless of any type of mood, aha.
I looked in the mirror, today, and I just didn’t like who I seen, staring back at me. It was like a complete stranger. Everything about myself, I despised. I didn’t know how else to feel, but this deep disconnect between physical and mental.
I have been growing out my hair, for at least two years now. It wasn’t until about this time last year, that I really wanted to color my hair. It was something I never imagined doing at all. It wasn’t that I was afraid of doing it, but I kind of was, because I would be sticking out. I wouldn’t be part of the crowd. Eventually, I decided to dye my hair, and it was so fun. There were multiple color changes that I went through, and every color, I loved.
But during this moment in the mirror, I just didn’t like it at all. I don’t know if it’s because it is fading, or since I have been trying to strip the color out. It doesn’t feel fun any longer, and that really sucks. I still plan to grow it out, but I am uncertain about the color. I had natural black hair, and I’ve “heard” that I can only get it back by starting over. That’s not going to happen, however. I really enjoy my long hair, and I am so torn about the color process.
So my whole mood has been based upon, not liking the way I look. I feel like I need to fit some social standard within the eyes of the public. Coloring your hair and being a guy, oh no! You might be mislabeled or something. That’s another thought that’s in my mind, but I try not worrying about that aspect of things. I need to do things that make me feel fulfilled and happy.
I mentioned this to my therapist, today , and there’s some homework that needs to be done. We are starting to apply CBT skills, since what I am doing now, is not helping me. I have to be more aware of how I am feeling and try writing down everything. Like, what am I actually benefiting from feeling so down and out about things? Nothing at all. I need to stop the “demons” from making me feel so disgusted with myself.
I have a rough road ahead of me. My thoughts actually do stop me from being as productive as I could be. I put all of my energy into feeling bad, when I can be writing more and more. Trying to help others in need. I know I can do this, but the emotional side keeps winning.
* *deep breath* * it will all be alright in the end. Just……relax.
Lots of color options down below! I miss the silvery blue (pic with the bed)