New Meds

I feel like I need to write something, so that I feel like I have accomplished something with my day. I am going to take about my switch of medications, and how it has effected me. I have only taken it for about a month, so take that into account, please.

I was on a “drug”, I guess that’s what I’ll refer it to? Even though it’s a medication. Anyways, I was on Seroquel for a few months, and I really did not like it at all. I had to take it right before bedtime, and man, was it a knock out shot. I stayed awake once, and it was not a pleasant feeling at all. It made me feel really woozy and yearning for my bed, but I was out with my best friend, at the time. I had to finally quit this medication, due to this horrible side effect. There was no way to tell if it was working, as it only made me sleep!

I talked about other options, and we came to the conclusion that we should try Zyprexa. It’s an antipsychotic, used for Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder. Yay, one of them is me! I have so many things within my DX that it’s not even funny. Anyways, Olanzapine can rebalance dopamine and serotonin to improve thinking, mood, and behavior.

I haven’t really noticed much, being on just 5mg of this medication. I can still feel all of my mood swings, and lately, I have been feeling better angry. That, and a lot of paranoid thoughts about things going on in my life. I know that old saying, which is stupid, “it’s all in your head.” No shit, it’s all in my head, but it is REAL for me. So real that it hurts my soul!

My anger has made me feel the old thoughts of self harm, which is a weird feeling to have, since I haven’t real felt that way, in a while. It was always suppressed though, as I can’t escape all of my old feelings and thoughts. That’s what people do not understand, when it comes to mental health. There are no special medications that instantly cure you, or rid you of your feelings. So when I feel my old feelings, I have to embrace that they are going to stick with me for a long time. This does not mean I am going to be a danger to myself. There’s another difference between harming yourself and being in danger to yourself. If I threatened my life, then yes, there is a problem.

I do believe this is not the medication’s fault at all. I can stay up when I take this drug, so I know if it has an effect on me or not. I also feel things that were buried, due to the heavy sedation to Seroquel. There’s also talks on the internet about the medication that I’m taking at the moment. I feel like people act differently on X medication, so the internet can be a scary place. I use it to try to find so comfort when it comes to a new med. But I am always greeted with negative views, thoughts and whatever else. I think it is too early to really tell. Also, I am running out of things to even try, as I have been on a lot of meds. The next will be Lithium, but I am hoping I do not have to take that.

So in conclusion, I am feeling things that have been buried, and I feel like I need to tackle those issues. I need to just ride out whatever emotions that I am feeling. It honestly is really hard to deal with though. I wish things would get better, and I know that I have to put in the work. It is a long road, that I have traveled on. I know there is some sort of light at the end of this crazy tunnel.

If anything, I will have to create my own light, and keep traveling these dark tunnels. Sometimes we have to deal with the heavy things, to get to the smooth sailings of life. I plan on trying the best that I can, which is all I can really do. There is hope out there, even if you have to fake it, to make it a reality!

Photo by pina messina on Unsplash

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