I’d like to talk about the stresses of living paycheck to paycheck. The twist here is, the mental health aspect. People may not understand how it’s different from somebody without such aliments. For me, it drives up my anxiety, fear of losing everything and being a failure. I mean, I am certainly sure that other people feel this way too, that are in this situation. I just say it’s different because people with mental health issues can catastrophe such events.
We can act out in ways that seem really extreme compared to others. We start to really question everything that is going on within our lives. Do we really deserve these things? Why me? Who can help me get out of this situation? What happens if my phone gets cut off? What if I have to turn in my car? How will I get to work, if that happens? It can lead into a train of those, which can trigger us, to perform self harm behaviors. That does not automatically mean causing harm to the body (cutting).
With my situation, I feel completely out of control, and being in control is something I need. Without some form of control, I start cycling through several moods. I don’t know how to stabilize myself, and I don’t have somebody in my life that can help me out with my bills. Every week, is a huge struggle, to survive. I didn’t think I would be in this situation, but life threw a curve ball my way. My hours got cut, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I don’t have a desire to engage in my self destructive ways, which is a good sign. I really don’t know how to climb out of this ditch though. Even though I live at home, it doesn’t equate to not paying my way (room and board). Every one of my bills are equal to what I am making, so you can see the dilemma here. It feels like the walls are closing around me, and I might need to sacrifice some things. One being the very car that has gotten me to North Carolina, twice.
Luckily, I do not work far away from home, and I can walk there. It’ll certainly clear up a few hundred for me, every month. As I would obviously get rid of my insurance too. I did one of those debt to what you make things, and I’m over 100%. So basically, what I make, goes straight to bills, which leaves me with nothing more.
I am trying my best to climb out of this hard time. I will talk to my boss, to see if I can get some more hours. I will discuss this with my new therapist too, which I pray I can afford. My psychiatrist really wants me to have one, based on my history, and for my best interest too. I’m not sitting around, mopping, as I am trying to maintain some hope. This is such a difficult time for me, and I now understand what others feel like, living paycheck to paycheck. It’s just more magnified for me, and I don’t say this for a pity party. I have to trust my faith and put it in God’s hands, and the universe.