I was thinking about you last night. I noticed that you “liked” one of my posts on instagram, and a whole flood of emotions came crashing over me. I haven;’t talked to you in a few weeks now, and I really don’t understand why. I guess you became a FP to me, but maybe a little bit extra, as time went by. I took the time to gain your trust, to listen to all of your problems and gave you space when it was needed.
Yet, when we do not talk, I always wonder what is happening within your life. How can I help you? Did I do something wrong to drive you away? Thinking that you were more than a Favorite Person, I don’t see how I could have laid enough of my problems onto you,to push you away,to get this type of abandonment. We used to talk about deep stuff, and even started advancing our friendship into something that could have lead to way more.
Naturally, there were roadblocks along the way, but we made some things work out. The passion started to build up. The sexual tense was at its peak, but there was nothing physically done. I respected your position,as I valued you as a human. I never did anything to disrespect you, and I always made you feel safe. I wanted to prove that there’s still some good guys left in this world. I did whatever I could to make you happy.
Yet, there are times where you completely disappear on me. I try reaching out, and I get met with, “I’ve been too busy”, and things regarding that nature. With my DX, I found some of this hard to even believe. We are not too busy to answer a text message. A simple “hey, I’ll reach out when I can”,would have been plenty good enough for me. I just knew, that every time we didn’t talk for a while, I would hear all about the “whys,what happened,etc etc.”
I am not saying that I fault you at all, but it raises my sense of abandonment. I know that nothing will actually come of us,and I am content with that. It’s the simple fact that,you have become a great friend to me,and I really don’t want to lose it. But by the same token, I don’t like how things can always be on your terms. I cannot control somebody else, I get it.
I remember I confronted you about this issue before,and we got into a little bit of an argument. You said that if I cannot handle how unstable and crazy your life is, then maybe we shouldn’t talk. It was something along those lines. I felt extremely hurt by it, because I have my issues too,and I constantly try putting my emotions to the side,to help make you feel better about life. I would try getting some opinions about my own issues, and sometimes,but not all the time, the subject would shift.
Maybe this is my fault,as I let my emotions get the best of me,entirely. The last time that I text you, I needed you in the worst way. I was at a point where I needed to be talked off the ledge (not actually). I just needed somebody who understood me, to tell me that everything would be fine. Maybe you didn’t even get the text though. But I know that I can be the first to contact you, first.
There have been many times that I have actually “split’ on you, without you even realizing it. There’s actually two songs that come to mind, when it comes to the way I feel. “Thrown Away” and “Never Go Back”. With the last song, if you were to contact me, everything would be fine,in my world again. I would get back the person who means so much to me,
Maybe I shouldn’t have displayed my full feelings for you. Told you exactly how much you meant to me, and that I loved you. Still true, and will remain true, but I let my walls down, completely. As stated with BPD, you didn’t win my 100% trust, even though I said I did trust you. I do, but not to the fullest extent. I would take you back in a heartbeat and ride the emotional roller coaster again and again and again……..