Today marks about a week and a half that I have been taken off Depakote. It’s used for certain psychiatric conditions, such as manic phases of bi-polar. At first, I was rather mad at the doctor”s decision to just abruptly take me off, ALTHOUGH it was my decision. I just was really afraid of the withdraw that could have followed. I am still taking my other two meds, which still stabilize my moods. I have to increase one, because it will further help with the mood shifts.
I really don’t know what to expect, nor am I sure if I want to go through with the increase. Only because I feel so groggy when I take it at night. Sure, the key word is “night”, but I don’t wanna take something that is like a knockout shot. I’m the type that likes to get a feel of how something will effect me. Just so that I know that it is working and all that stuff. My therapist suggested I cut it in half, but I’d still be taking more than I am now.
Perhaps I should give it a try though, since I have actually been in a hype state for the past few days. I still have bad days though, which today was. I just got myself into this bad mood because I had to work on my day off. I have a difficult time saying no, so I told management that I am leaving as soon as I get my work done. Yet I still was in such a foul mood, and just couldn’t deal with anything at all.
Like I said, I have been in better moods, but it seems to be a struggle to be consistent with it. I know that I should be doing so meditation but it boring to me. I can’t sit still for too long, and my mind constantly wanders away from the current situation. That is actually the problem when it comes to work. I will start getting in a bad mood, and will allow it to snowball.
I really hope this isn’t a side effect of my medication, but I’ve always had times of being in this type of state. I might try to take the increase of medication, tonight. Maybe it will quiet my mind a little bit. I am going to take some exerts for this website that I am on, that hit the mark, when it comes to mood swings and how I feel.
“For the person with borderline personality disorder sadness, irritability, anxiety and emptiness are chronic states of being. The person with this disorder does not experience euphoria or a sense of grandiosity and, for them, controlling behavior is an ongoing problem.”
“The person with borderline personality disorder overreacts on a somewhat regular basis. Anxiety, anger and feeling blue are the drumbeat of life. At times, these feelings will burst forth in more dramatic ways, but it is often the case that the outburst is short-lived and can be traced to a single event or trigger, usually a perceived offense or a fear of being abandoned. “
Over the coming days and weeks, I really hope this BPD rage can settle itself down. I enjoy the energy when I am hype and in a good mood, but the random triggers need to just go. Maybe I really need to pay attention to what exactly triggers me. I am not giving power to this DX, yet, I’m trying to understand it. I am basically learning who I am and how I can use this DX for the better. I know I can harness it for the better! I am trying my absolute best here.
I’m keep everybody updated on the med change progress!