Lost

It’s quite ironic that I have wanted to make a post about a lack of identity, and I keep seeing posts and videos about it. I know I have done a similar post but this one is a bit different, I guess. Lately, I have not been able to process my new change at all. I understand that I just cut my hair, but I feel like I lost a part of myself. A part that I have built over about two years.

Yes, I am still the same exact person, but I had a distinct trait, in my eyes. When I am working, there are no more comments about how awesome my hair is. There is no distinctness when I help a customer, that they can quickly say “the guy with the long red hair was very helpful.” Or similar comments made by my coworkers. Sure, I get comments now, but it’s more towards “you look normal now. You have to shave now, so it looks complete.”

That comment right there, is just so annoying to me. I want to grow out a beard, yet I’m constantly met with the “well you have to keep cutting it” nonsense. It’s not true, first off, and secondly, it is slowly stripping me from something I want. As a Borderline, we can be like Chameleons, constantly blending in. So therefore, we lose our sense of self, since our is already nonexistent.

It is honestly hard to do what I want because I feel like I need to please the people that are telling me what to do. If I don’t, I will not fit in, and if I don’t fit in, I will fear abandonment. The comments don’t help, no matter how much I try to e\ignore them.

I am trying my best to do what makes me feel most happy. I know that I cannot control what other people say or do, but I can control myself. I am trying to find my sense of self, to go against the grain, to blaze my own trail.

I’m trying my best to love myself.

Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash

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