So today I would like to talk more about the “Favorite Person” aspect of BPD. Since this blog is not by a “professional”, I can only give y’all my thoughts. There’s your disclaimer, folks!
Losing a FP is a serious ordeal for anybody with BPD. We cling to these individuals for emotion support, validation and to just feel some sort of importance in this world. It can feel like your whole world comes crashing down upon you, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
I have lost my FP about 7 years ago, and it still hurts to this very day! People say that time can heal all wounds, but sometimes it just get manageable to deal with. There are things that bring me back to the “fantasy” of this friendship. Music is the biggest thing, since we shared the same taste in music. It’s not like I am going to stop listening to my favorite bands because of the circumstances, you know?
We should backtrack to about 9 or 10 years since I officially started talking to my friend. Me and her started talking on MySpace. If I remember correctly, we did those stupid signs, that the cool people did. Posting a picture of yourself while promoting the person. We made some funny pictures and all, but we never got into the thousands of followers, like other people did.
We randomly started talking and eventually exchanged numbers, so we can text one another. Let me tell y’all, we had some strange conversations, aha. She was someone who can keep any conversation alive, even if we randomly switched topics, which happened a lot. We would text through TV shows and movies, but we never talked on the phone. There was a period of time where we would leave random voicemails to one another though. Like I said, it was a weird connection that we had, but we both enjoyed it.
We also talked about serious topics too. So this is where the Favorite Person aspect comes into play. We always gave each other advice on some life events or relationship type of things. We never had romantic feelings towards one another, because I was dating someone, long distance, and she fancied a guy where she was at. I guess I should mention that me and my FP were long distance too, so it’s not like I could have hung out with her.
Jojo (FP) even wanted to come with me to make sure I didn’t die or get kidnapped when I finally visited my girlfriend at the time. Could have just been a saying, or it could have been because of our bond. Anyways, I finally went off to visit the girlfriend, and this is where the beginning of the end started, for me and Jojo.
One morning I got a text from Jojo, and I don’t know if the ex got hold of my phone when I was sleeping, or what. Sidenote: I explained SEVERAL times that I didn’t have interest in Jojo and also my current FP. My ex was certainly controlling in that aspect, and guess what: she talked to guys behind my back. I never once hid the fact of my best friend and FP at all. I don’t want to be seen as the bad guy, especially since I flew out to see my GF several times.
Anyhow, things changed after I got back home. I tried my hardest to get a hold of Jojo, but got no response at all. I don’t know if her love interest at the time, didn’t want her to talk to anybody, or if my ex said something to her. To this day I literally have not a clue. I would keep trying, once in a blue moon, to get a hold of her, to no avail. BUT one day, I managed to get two texts out of her, but that was it.
I wish I had the answers, so I could have some closure, but I will never get it. Ironically, the song that is playing right now is: “Drown” by Bring Me The Horizon. I think this song completely states how I feel. Not even from this situation, but for the whole BPD issues. I think I will always care about Jojo, even if the friendship is completely destroyed. She was my rock, my stability and everything a Favorite Person is.
Ironically, I did not understand the term until I was diagnosed about a year or two ago? I know bi-polor runs in the family, but some of the symptoms of BPD really hit home for me. I have certainly have had other Favorite People, but she was my first. I wish her nothing but the best in this life. I still wish I could be part of it. She was my safety net, so when things get really bad, I tend to go towards this, even though its not good, as it didn’t end on a positive note.
Losing your first FP…….I wish there was a warning for how horrible it can be. It’s not like losing a best friend, as they are completely different. In closing, if she happens to ever stumble across this: I will always be here for you.
Have any one of you had a similar experience? How do you cope with the feelings when they hit you like a tidal wave? I would love to engage y’all and hear your stories of your FP.