Dark Thoughts

This morning, during my overnight shift, I felt extremely horrible. To preface the emotions that follow, this was all caused by a parking ticket. This being the second time, during a sporting event. I have a valid permit, but I feel that since our home team is in the playoffs, the city wants to make some money. The permit is completely visible, and I JUST got a renewal form, before I went to sleep for work. Also, I had a “tow this car” sticker on my car, so I am glad I worked overnight, or I would have no car. Work isn’t that far away, so I can walk, but it’s the fact of: where is a “legal” space now?

With all of these events going on, I just could not calm myself down during the shift, for probably a good 5 hours or so. When a bad event happens to me, I can catastrophize to the fullest extent. I just could not understand why this was happening to me, especially when I am struggling as it is. I don’t do anything wrong, by the law standards. I made sure to document everything, like street signs and my permit. Of course, this was when I got home and was thinking a bit more clearly.

Back to the thoughts…the evil thoughts that possess my mind. I automatically go into the suicidal thoughts. I’m sure people on my Facebook will be concerned, so I think I will veto posting this to my account. I just feel like everything would be better off without my existence in this life. Things just get too much for me to handle, and I have absolutely no help. I understand that I need to “figure it out”, but UGH!! I’m capable of doing it, of course, but the emotion side is like “nah, we need to think of horrible things, because it makes me (the emotional side) feel so great!) Insert Angrboda! She’s literally perfect in my story in life.

I was thinking of all the ways that I could end this life, which is not a new thing for me. Also, these are just thoughts, as I do not plan to carry them out, or have made any attempt. Although I am terrified of heights, there is a bridge that is accessible to foot traffic. It’s actually a pretty nice walk, as it goes from Philly to Camden NJ. I did it twice (back and forth) on my bike, and I was scared to death (ironic?) At it’s highest point, you have water looking up at you. I want to take photos on this bridge, and to try conquering my fear of heights, but I think there are external forces that actually stop me from even going there.

I won’t go into details of how else, but it would be something that’s quick and painless. After these thoughts rush through my head, I start thinking of everything that will happen when I am gone. I start planning my “Will” and what I want done after I’m no longer on this Earth. Suicide is a selfish thing, I know, but when you are locked inside your mind like this, you just don’t care at all. I want to know who will actually care, I want to know who comes to my viewing, I want to be cremated and placed somewhere in the house. So the family and my cats have a reminder of me, all of the time.

There are many things I know I will miss in this life, if I decided this path. I would not be able to have a family of my own, a lovely house in the south, more cats and just to keep raising awareness of my condition. I know it seems a bit strange to say that, as I am currently talking about suicide, but this is an area that nobody really discusses. This is what I deal with on a constant basis, however.

Then, hours later, I am perfectly constant and writing out my feelings. This is currently something I haven’t done, so it feels great to do. Even still, the feelings do stop, and I can swing into a completely fine mood. It’s a tricky DX for sure, but it is part of my story. I want to share these things with y’all, so you know that you’re not alone! I do want to see things get better for myself, as there is a part of me that senses great things! If I keep stumbling, that is okay too, as I have a small support system.

To end this, I do plan on using a crisis text line, when I get to this point. Although I am safe and have no plan or intent, I want somebody to pull me from the ledge, faster. Because going down the rabbit hole, while in work, is pretty odd. I completely check out and run on autopilot. That’s also another reason I don’t text a crisis line, because I am in work, and do not want the person to think I did anything stupid. Just, shut down brain, in a good way!

I am content now…..I am safe.

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