So there is a topic of concern for me, which has to do with my abandonment issues, I am sure. It has to do with my ability, or lack thereof, wanting a relationship. I have to say that I really am somebody that does want to have a long lasting relationship, but it can be really difficult for me. I want to have a relationship, as everybody does, but I keep myself so guarded when it comes to trusting somebody. It really puts a strain on everybody that is involved.
To give some backstory: I have always had to question everything that my former partners have done. I always seek out patterns in the ways that they interact with me, so that I can pick up on clues. These clues always helped me to stay on high alert and to know that I will feel some type of disappointment. I can even do this with friends and potential lovers.
As of late, I have wanted to explore the realm of just having fun. According to the website, Verywell, they offer the following statement. “Impulsive behavior is one of the symptoms of BPD listed in the DSM-IV. In the case of sexuality, a trend towards impulsive behavior may lead to reckless sexual behavior as well. People with BPD are most at risk of engaging in impulsive acts when they are experiencing intense emotional responses, or when they are disinhibited by alcohol or other substances. Intense sadness, fear, jealousy or positive emotions may also lead to impulsive sexuality. “
You may be thinking: “well, have some fun! Enjoy your life and grab it by the balls!.” It’s not so easy for us, but I will only speak from my viewpoint because I don’t wanna give the wrong idea!
I will resort to the “friends with benefits” game, if I really want to have fun AND to stall for a lot of time. So if the potential suitor has made up their mind about wanting to get to know me more and go on dates, I will throw that card straight on the table. I could legitimately not want anything more than a friendship, so it’s a power move to push you away (another BPD trait).
Even if I don’t throw that card out and just need time, I will do just that: take the time to figure you out. I try reading people that are worth it, or just do it, by accident. It’s not judging you, as much as it is, to protect myself from you. I will look for red flags and look for how our interacts are. That one is a bit tricky to explain because it takes time. Example would be: you tell me that you did X thing on Friday but then the story would be different a week,a month or so later. Mind you, I can forget what we talked about just now, but silly stuff like that, I will remember.
I just don’t know where my head is when it comes to the relationship world and the FWB world. Sometimes I can get caught up in my emotions, and wind up getting slapped in the face. I have learned to, now this won’t be a nice word, manipulate, for things to go in my direction. Please have mercy because I do not manipulate somebody’s feelings 24/7! It is a way to protect myself, in a way, and it’s a skill that is sadly learned.
“However, manipulation implies careful, considered moves and counter-moves in order to obtain something a person really wants, something he expects will make him happy. But people with BPD are highly impulsive. Their moods and emotions are rapidly changeable, and very little seems to make them happy for long; they are tortured by their own changeability and its effects. “
In closing, I just have to leave it as: I’m constantly a work in progress. I do not know what I really want, relationship wise, even though I do. I apologize to the ones who I give mixed signals to, as it is my fault.