Confusion

I wrote a short post on my Facebook about my “complaining”, if you will. I have been feeling a lot of emotions as of late, and I really don’t know what to do with myself. I wanted to write in my journal but did not have the energy to. I wanted to blog about it but didn’t have the motivation. I just don’t know what to do with myself.

I have feeling a real deep lose of self, more than normal. I have expressed to my best friend that I feel really low. It’s no secret that people with BPD have thoughts of suicide and self harm. I did not have any intent on doing either, but I had thoughts. I felt like a huge burden on the two consecutive nights, so I kept my mouth shut.

Then I wrote my small post about a little of how I felt, and that I am giving people an “out”. They can unfriend me and go their separate ways and I would totally understand. It’s so easy for people to see that I am only whining and complaining, but I am kind of reaching out for a bit of attention. I am not looking for attention to get 302’d or anything like that! I know when to call the proper people, so there’s that.

I have also felt the need to split on people too, which is weird. I am asking people to push away from me and I am effectively doing the same thing. I just do not know what I want in my life right now. I thought I wanted some type of “relationship”, but now I want to be left alone. I think I am pretty certain about not wanting anything.

This was not the case about a month or so ago. Now I find myself wiggling my way out of things, in a polite manner. I just do not want people to catch feelings, or to let things go in the direction I’d like. Promiscuous ventures that are only leading to me trying to fill some void of emotion.

Besides that, I feel like my medication is playing a role within everything. I know meds are not the cure all be all, and especially with the way BPD is. How can you really stop emotions that are constant and ever present? I am going to the Physiatrist right after my therapy session, tomorrow.

I am also going to steer my session into talking about my diagnosis because we really do not discuss it at all. I need to take some control and be like “no, I would like to talk about this because I feel…” I’m tired of feeling the way that I do. It really is an exhausting task. Take this article into consideration of how I feel throughout the day, as it perfectly describes it.

https://www.verywellmind.com/mood-swings-in-borderline-personality-disorder-425478

I have many a lot of progress over the years, this is true. Yet, I always feel like there is something missing. Sometimes I can spend money on unnecessary items to make me feel better. Some are projects that never get finished, or items that just collect dust. It’s all to fill some magical void. I just do not know, but I do hope to get my thoughts out tomorrow. I hope that I get on better meds or get a different game plan to help stop my brain from speeding through emotions.

Wish me luck, folks!

Photo by Matthew Brodeur on Unsplash

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