Conflicted

I really am not sure how I am feeling today. There is this lack of wanting to do anything at all. I also feel this way, based on my last therapy session. Contradiction of not being sure of how I’m feeling, right?

I feel like my thoughts were completely invalidated, yesterday. All I could do was sit there and twitch in my chair, as the conversation led away from the main focal point. I understand why my therapist does this, but there’s many times where I feel it’s completely unfair.

I explained how I felt about the parking ticket situation, and how I slipped into a suicidal thought process. It was as if she really didn’t get it or care? The tone in her voice was like “you got suicidal because of a ticket?” Surely , there was the “woe is me” factor, which she understood. And she asked how I got myself out of this way of thinking. I told her that I didn’t , until I went on break, five hours later, and got something to eat.

This lead into a conversation about how I need to eat healthier because it will make me feel better. You see, I am a picky eater , by nature. I did not grow up in a household that had regular dinner times, or structure regarding that. It’s not that I never got fed, but it was a “what would you like to eat” type of thing.

We fought with this notion for a while, stating that it doesn’t have to be this way now. That I can change my eating habits, so I can feel well. It’s really hard to break a habit that has been engraved for all of my life. I dislike a lot of foods that are good for me. I really dislike the argument that “you need to grow up and eat properly.”

This is a dangerous statement in my book, which I’m sure would be considered being resistant to change. But just imagine saying that to somebody with an eating disorder. How uncomfortable would that make them feel? Actually, there’s a fact that being an adult picky eater could be seen as an eating disorder.

I have read about this topic before, in the past, because it’s obviously something that affects me, greatly. Let’s see if I can find some link for y’all.

https://www.livescience.com/10301-adult-picky-eaters-recognized-disorder.html

Take with it, what you will. I believe it is an eating disorder, and I have tried to make myself eat different foods. I can even thank my ex for cooking me lunches every day. She also did try her best to get me to eat new things. But it will be extremely hard to shock my system with new foods. I am very texture and smell based, so I gag at the sight,smell,taste,etc etc.

I know I have gotten well off track to my original point, of having some suicidal thoughts, which I didn’t plan on acting upon! It’s the fact that it reminded me of my very first therapist who told me food would make me feel better. Yes, to an extent it will, but is it going to take away my DX? I already made the compromise of trying medications for my issues.

So, we will see what will happen with this new adventure in my life. It’s not like I will not try, but being a picky eater is challenging. I don’t feel like throwing up, just for the sake of finding out if I like a new food. Should I take the healthy/ “normal” foods that I like now, and start making meals? Hell yeah I should. I know I should cut back on the junk food, but it keeps me going, in a weird way.

Any other picky eaters out there, that have these issues? How do you handle the thought of trying new foods? Have you even tried at all, or are you content with the diet you have now? I would love some feedback!!

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