Over the years, I have been a little naive when it comes to the whole trusting aspect of people. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Not everybody is out to get me, at least I hope not. Yet I always take this issue with a grain of salt!
You see, before I knew of my DX, I would always been cautious of trusting people, in terms of friends and co-workers. Sorry, only thing I can compare it to, with the co-worker aspect. I don’t have many friends in life. My Favorite Person has gained my trust, so she’s forever a safe person. There’s also another male friend whom I’ve known for several years, that is safe too. Borderliners definitely have a really hard time trusting anybody, and it makes us out to be bad people, to some.
It is a defense mechanism! We have been abandoned in the past, so we prepare for the same old hurt, again and again. This is the case for me, as I have been abandoned by people who always tell me: “Oh, I am always here for you. I got your back!” So I would enlist my trust in them, little by little, while looking for any faults. Meaning, I look for patterns that will make me realize this person really can’t be trusted in my life. I am not being cruel, I am not bad, I just don’t feel like dealing with the hurt.
I have lost many people that told me I could come to them for anything. Favorite People, which I can talk about more, that vanished. Yes, I am sure they might have their own baggage, but it’s not like I didn’t try helping them out too. I can set aside my own demon, Angrboda, to listen to other people’s issues.
Since learning of my BPD, everything made sense, as to why I would be weary of people. For me, you need to really show me that you care about me. If you can be so nonjudgmental of me, and try helping me, I will respect that. But do not try pushing me out of my comfort zone, because I drag my heels in the dirt. Again, this is another entry, because I have other issues that prevent me from doing things. I’m capable, yes! But like, if you want to hang out with me, I need days notice. Even then, I will wish that you cancel, or I will find a way to get out of it, if I really don’t feel comfortable.
I am a special snowflake, to say the least. To gain my trust, will take so long, and I’ll keep my walls up. If somebody tells me to stop being like that, then I will push you away (another trait of BPD). Nobody can force me to trust. Sadly, I have even pushed people away, and have “split” on them. I’m not too sorry that I’m like this, because I want to be in control. Many areas in life, I am NOT in control, so any control I can get, I will take.
I really am a great person, so please don’t judge me based on this. I will be your best friend. I will listen to all your problems and try to help you out. I just need a LOT of time to know you will not abandon me, or take my trust for granted.